Not a smackhead yet.

Moving into the new house completely, pretty soon.
I am quite excited, can't wait. Problem is having had to pay the deposit, I also need to pay the rent,
which I can't quite afford at the moment. But as soon as I have a job, I should be fine.
Gonna have to work 40+ hrs a week for a while, lots of debts need to be repaid. Oh well.


Well, the fluoxetine prescription is finished, I've finished my supply. I was supposed to return a letter for the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy thing, but I didn't so I have to be re-referred. It's not so much of a problem, as I need to go to the doctor to change my address and everything anyway. Lots of things need to be settled, change address with 3 Mobile, bank and Uni, etc. etc. What a bother.


This finding a job thing is proving to be harder than I thought, given out about 10 CVs in total now, not too many responses. Not so sure why, I think my CV looks pretty decent.


Will post photos of the new house and stuff. Feel quite guilty towards A and K. I owe them lots of money, they've helped me out so many times financially, I think I'm in much debt, not only in terms of money but friendship-wise, I don't think I've done for them as much as they have done for me. A and K are both getting a little annoyed with me now I think but it's completely reasonable and fair for them to be like so.


This girl, H. She's been on my mind a lot lately. Can't quite put my finger on it, there's something quite alluring about her. Very attractive and flirtatious. I must have done something wrong somewhere along the line haha, coz she's stopped being as flirtatious as she used to be. I can always move on but this one I quite like a lot. I know I say that about quite a lot of girls but I've not quite liked someone this much since S, and that was 3 years ago...


Granddad has said he would foot the university tuition fees, which was very nice of him. Hopefully, this would put less financial strain on the family. This comes as quite a shock to me, I'm not used to being in this sort of financial situation. It's not so easy adapting to this kind of life, when I've hung out with royalty and children of kings and princes, politicians, and attended expensive private schools all my life. I've always appreciated the value of money but never quite experienced it as I am doing now... Oh well, at least I'm not a homeless smackhead living on the streets and begging for change... yet :P.

It's very hard to describe but my misery seems to grow by day.
The more I think about it, the more I seem to realise that I really am unhappy.
As days go by, I am more and more certain that I want to end it all, albeit with a little doubt.
But the doubt weakens.

It seems that I WANT to subject myself and others to pain and misery. I have been analysing myself and I wonder if it is for attention or to prove people wrong or to get back at people I have been unhappy about. If any or all of it is true, then it seems that I really am a selfish person. I may not actually end it all but there are other ways to do things.

So in an act of unselfishness I plan to alienate myself from society. I'm not the only person to have noticed that my behaviour is getting increasingly erratic, hence leaving society is not going to be a difficult thing. All I need to do is delete my facebook account (can I afford to do this?), change my number and stop socialising. It struck me that socialising is a great waste of time and money and I have no reason to partake in it as my financial state will not allow it and the more I socialise, the more money I waste, the more friends I make, the more people I hurt if I eventually do any of the things I am thinking about.

I desperately want to spend time with people but at the same time, I desperately want to hurt these people who do not want to spend time with me. It sounds increasingly possessive but sometimes I feel really lonely, I make time for most people I know and yet I realise not everyone makes time for me. Even if they do, certainly not enough for me to be happy with. I am not usually a jealous person but everything is on a scale and with most, if not all friends, I feel that I am not as high as I should be on their friend-scale if u will, certainly not as high as I should be given the amount of time, effort and care I have put into these various relationships.

I'm not being given due credit. I'm sure with this post, if anyone reads it will think that I am not giving THEM due credit. But when I think about all the times I've heard the words "I'll always be there for you." uttered to me, I wonder how many times it was actually genuine, because I know that at times when I said such words, I almost always meant it. The problem was I actually did mean it. I was ALWAYS there. If not always there, I was always TRYING to be there. Then I realised that I was actually being a nuisance. People need more than one friend, I alone cannot satisfy people's social needs. In the same way humans treat everything else, they treat humans; discarding anything that is depleted or no longer fulfills needs. Far too often have I served my purpose and been discarded when no longer needed. Shameful but true, I am fairly certain I have at least wanted to, if not done the same.

Much injustice has been done against me, at least that is how I feel. Perhaps I am wrong, but I probably am right. If every single one of my friends or acquaintances of any sort read this, I'm sure some would feel pangs of guilt, and I want them to.

So I'm going to do myself and everyone a favour. Slowly but surely, I am going to remove myself from society and become a recluse. This article is the very first step to a long journey, where at the end, I will hopefully be happy.