I am the worst human being ever.

I think I've been letting a lot of people down recently.

My parents have spent a bomb on my education.
Yet people without degrees are getting jobs even with GCSEs.
Many times I've been turned down because I don't have a permanent right to work here.

Fair enough. Why would anyone want to waste money training a foreigner who has to leave in a year and a half?

Despite that valid reason on their part, this is really getting me down.
I never asked to be born a foreigner.


On top of this, I'm furious with K for how she's treated me. I feel really quite used. I'm trying to be the bigger man and not say anything about it. SY told me I should be rightfully angry and annoyed, cut off all contact with her and not help her or have anything to do with her. I won't because I just don't do that. But it's slightly getting on my nerves.


I am so frustrated with absolutely fucking everything. I've popped two ephedrines in an attempt to make myself feel a bit more excitable, a bit happier, upbeat. all it's done is made my heart race, feel more awake and alert to all the fucked-upness my life seems to throw at me.


B has said that I have a losing mentality. If I do not accept the possibility of losing, I will not fail. And yet that makes no sense to me. There can be NO possibility of losing. That's just silly. either you win or you lose. And since I accept that possibility, I am a failure.


The evidence is all there. I lose in education, jobs, love.
I really am struggling to see why I live. I feel like I am currently living to try and pay off debts before I get rid of myself.


This has all been incoherent. But that's how I feel. All over the place.