I am the worst human being ever.

I think I've been letting a lot of people down recently.

My parents have spent a bomb on my education.
Yet people without degrees are getting jobs even with GCSEs.
Many times I've been turned down because I don't have a permanent right to work here.

Fair enough. Why would anyone want to waste money training a foreigner who has to leave in a year and a half?

Despite that valid reason on their part, this is really getting me down.
I never asked to be born a foreigner.


On top of this, I'm furious with K for how she's treated me. I feel really quite used. I'm trying to be the bigger man and not say anything about it. SY told me I should be rightfully angry and annoyed, cut off all contact with her and not help her or have anything to do with her. I won't because I just don't do that. But it's slightly getting on my nerves.


I am so frustrated with absolutely fucking everything. I've popped two ephedrines in an attempt to make myself feel a bit more excitable, a bit happier, upbeat. all it's done is made my heart race, feel more awake and alert to all the fucked-upness my life seems to throw at me.


B has said that I have a losing mentality. If I do not accept the possibility of losing, I will not fail. And yet that makes no sense to me. There can be NO possibility of losing. That's just silly. either you win or you lose. And since I accept that possibility, I am a failure.


The evidence is all there. I lose in education, jobs, love.
I really am struggling to see why I live. I feel like I am currently living to try and pay off debts before I get rid of myself.


This has all been incoherent. But that's how I feel. All over the place.

K

Why am I such a pitiful character?

Drinks

It's 5.38am, I can't sleep and I've been watching The Basketball Diaries. It's a very good film.
It's bad to be a junkie.

What now?

So I've applied for a Post-Study Work Permit Visa with the UK Home Office.
Apparently, it takes 4 weeks to process an application. It's been 4 weeks but no news.

It's a pain in the arse as it costs £400 and in the mean time, companies don't seem to want to hire me because of the lack of a work permit.
My 2.2 doesn't exactly help either.

If only somebody had told me when I was younger that BSc Biological Sciences holders who want to work in a lab don't get paid much, but it's the managers that manage the scientists that get all the money.


I don't know what it is, but recently I've been seeing more Korean people. I could have chosen not to but I do. From 1st and 2nd year where I virtually met none, and in 3rd year when I met about 3, I have now met over 15 Koreans. I'm not entirely sure how I feel around them but some of them find me funny, some of them admire me and also, from what I've heard, I've managed to offend some people too (not surprisingly).

The Hong Hongs - That's not my name

They call me Hung,
They call me Chinky,
They call me Ho,
They call me Wing,
That's not my name,
That's not my name,
That's not my name
That's not my... name.

They call me Chinese,
But I'm Korean
Sometimes Honguita
Always some name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my... name.

Are you calling me Hongy?
Are you calling me Wong?

And now... I have 1 grandparent left.

Goodbye grandpa.

I am feeling ill...

I don't know what I have,
it's either a flu, a viral infection, chest infection or glandular fever
but it's really pissing me off, I've had it for about 2.5 weeks now, I wish it would go away.


I was planning my 20th birthday event next month and it dawned on me that it would be my last ever birthday celebration in the UK...
I don't know why, (maybe it's coz I'm getting old and sentimental :P) but it upset me a little bit, thinking of how I'm not going to see a lot of these people again and how there will be very few good friends of mine celebrating my 21st...


As soon as I leave this country, I wouldn't know where to head to. Malaysia is out of the question, South Korea I'd rather not go because of military service and all that, the US seems to be my only choice, my mum does want me to live there after all... but that means I leave all my closest friends behind. The British friends I guess will probably remain here and some of the Malaysians would return to Malaysia I guess. I will have no friends from college or university to be with when I start work in the US, that is if I go to the US and manage to get a job there...


I have a constant worry in the back of my mind, of how life is going to turn out.
I try and have a positive outlook but everything points at bad things.


When I graduate,
1. I will leave my closest friends
2. I will no longer have a home
3. I will have to try and settle in a country I don't want to settle in
4. I will have to get a great job to pay off my debts to parents


I don't want to leave this country, I don't want things to change at all...