It's very hard to describe but my misery seems to grow by day.
The more I think about it, the more I seem to realise that I really am unhappy.
As days go by, I am more and more certain that I want to end it all, albeit with a little doubt.
But the doubt weakens.

It seems that I WANT to subject myself and others to pain and misery. I have been analysing myself and I wonder if it is for attention or to prove people wrong or to get back at people I have been unhappy about. If any or all of it is true, then it seems that I really am a selfish person. I may not actually end it all but there are other ways to do things.

So in an act of unselfishness I plan to alienate myself from society. I'm not the only person to have noticed that my behaviour is getting increasingly erratic, hence leaving society is not going to be a difficult thing. All I need to do is delete my facebook account (can I afford to do this?), change my number and stop socialising. It struck me that socialising is a great waste of time and money and I have no reason to partake in it as my financial state will not allow it and the more I socialise, the more money I waste, the more friends I make, the more people I hurt if I eventually do any of the things I am thinking about.

I desperately want to spend time with people but at the same time, I desperately want to hurt these people who do not want to spend time with me. It sounds increasingly possessive but sometimes I feel really lonely, I make time for most people I know and yet I realise not everyone makes time for me. Even if they do, certainly not enough for me to be happy with. I am not usually a jealous person but everything is on a scale and with most, if not all friends, I feel that I am not as high as I should be on their friend-scale if u will, certainly not as high as I should be given the amount of time, effort and care I have put into these various relationships.

I'm not being given due credit. I'm sure with this post, if anyone reads it will think that I am not giving THEM due credit. But when I think about all the times I've heard the words "I'll always be there for you." uttered to me, I wonder how many times it was actually genuine, because I know that at times when I said such words, I almost always meant it. The problem was I actually did mean it. I was ALWAYS there. If not always there, I was always TRYING to be there. Then I realised that I was actually being a nuisance. People need more than one friend, I alone cannot satisfy people's social needs. In the same way humans treat everything else, they treat humans; discarding anything that is depleted or no longer fulfills needs. Far too often have I served my purpose and been discarded when no longer needed. Shameful but true, I am fairly certain I have at least wanted to, if not done the same.

Much injustice has been done against me, at least that is how I feel. Perhaps I am wrong, but I probably am right. If every single one of my friends or acquaintances of any sort read this, I'm sure some would feel pangs of guilt, and I want them to.

So I'm going to do myself and everyone a favour. Slowly but surely, I am going to remove myself from society and become a recluse. This article is the very first step to a long journey, where at the end, I will hopefully be happy.