I hate to admit it but...

I think my heart is breaking.

Old mcdonald had a farm. Hong doesn't.

I saw a very elderly couple struggle to get into a taxi today. With my imminent birthday, my fear of aging crept up on me again. I never want to struggle with anything as simple as getting into a taxi; I struggle with these things enough as it is with my condition. I thought to myself, 'i must never live to an age where i'm a nuisance to other people who will need to help me'. Then I thought having someone who will struggle with you, maybe, just maybe might make it worthwhile to live a little longer and continue to be a nuisance.

Today I cried.

It'd been a while since I last cried.
In fact the last time was November 2008 when my grandfather died.

I think my emotional problems all sort of collapsed on me completely today.
It was partly to do with E and S, and also D and B. D and especially B disappointed me massively. B was and still is my best buddy, D was the one I've been thinking of and both of them broke my heart.


Thank god L was there for me. because otherwise, I actually would have done away with myself.

I am the worst human being ever.

I think I've been letting a lot of people down recently.

My parents have spent a bomb on my education.
Yet people without degrees are getting jobs even with GCSEs.
Many times I've been turned down because I don't have a permanent right to work here.

Fair enough. Why would anyone want to waste money training a foreigner who has to leave in a year and a half?

Despite that valid reason on their part, this is really getting me down.
I never asked to be born a foreigner.


On top of this, I'm furious with K for how she's treated me. I feel really quite used. I'm trying to be the bigger man and not say anything about it. SY told me I should be rightfully angry and annoyed, cut off all contact with her and not help her or have anything to do with her. I won't because I just don't do that. But it's slightly getting on my nerves.


I am so frustrated with absolutely fucking everything. I've popped two ephedrines in an attempt to make myself feel a bit more excitable, a bit happier, upbeat. all it's done is made my heart race, feel more awake and alert to all the fucked-upness my life seems to throw at me.


B has said that I have a losing mentality. If I do not accept the possibility of losing, I will not fail. And yet that makes no sense to me. There can be NO possibility of losing. That's just silly. either you win or you lose. And since I accept that possibility, I am a failure.


The evidence is all there. I lose in education, jobs, love.
I really am struggling to see why I live. I feel like I am currently living to try and pay off debts before I get rid of myself.


This has all been incoherent. But that's how I feel. All over the place.

K

Why am I such a pitiful character?

Drinks

It's 5.38am, I can't sleep and I've been watching The Basketball Diaries. It's a very good film.
It's bad to be a junkie.

What now?

So I've applied for a Post-Study Work Permit Visa with the UK Home Office.
Apparently, it takes 4 weeks to process an application. It's been 4 weeks but no news.

It's a pain in the arse as it costs £400 and in the mean time, companies don't seem to want to hire me because of the lack of a work permit.
My 2.2 doesn't exactly help either.

If only somebody had told me when I was younger that BSc Biological Sciences holders who want to work in a lab don't get paid much, but it's the managers that manage the scientists that get all the money.


I don't know what it is, but recently I've been seeing more Korean people. I could have chosen not to but I do. From 1st and 2nd year where I virtually met none, and in 3rd year when I met about 3, I have now met over 15 Koreans. I'm not entirely sure how I feel around them but some of them find me funny, some of them admire me and also, from what I've heard, I've managed to offend some people too (not surprisingly).